I should have graduated high school early. I should have gone to BYU right out of high school. I should have gone to cosmetology school. I should have finished my degree before I got married. I should have finished my degree before I had a baby. I should have saved more money. I should have gone on a mission etc etc...
But I didnt. And I dont know why I do this. My wedding day was perfect for me- right time, right person, right place (the temple). I didnt graduate early- and my senior year taught me a lot of lessons I wouldnt trade. I didnt wait to have a baby so that I could finish my degree. And Lorelai is literally the joy of my life. She is my everything. She is what makes me smile when I wake up. Well her and Chris :). haha. Sure a mission would have been awesome but I get to teach my daughter the gospel everyday. And I can be a member missionary.
I think I do this because I think that somehow I could do whatever I "should" have done- and still have what I have now. But I wouldnt. The timing of meeting chris was so delicate that if it had been weeks before or weeks after it wouldnt have happened. If i hadnt have been working in an OBGYN office (instead of going to school) I wouldnt have found out about my endometriosis when I did. I wouldnt have had my amazing doctor to do my surgery and deliver my baby. And I had been offered a higher paying job the day before my interview with that office, but I felt the spirit tell me I was supposed to take the OBGYN job.
So I am making it a goal to stop shoulding. Because my life has been SO OBVIOUSLY directed. I am exactly where I need and want to be. I am so grateful for the simple blessings I have. Being in a happy and affectionate marriage feels so good its insane. And I am grateful for the blessing of being able to get pregnant. That is huge. Working in that OBGYN office taught me to never take that lightly- the pain of the inability to get pregnant or miscarrying must be so overwhelming. I cannot even understand it fully since I havent been there- but there have been a couple of times I came home from work and cried. Patients who were so excited, so hopeful. Breaks my heart. So I am grateful beyond belief for Lorelai. And the abiltity to be sealed to her. She is mine and I am hers no matter what.
After listening to the Relief Society broadcast I have thought so much about the fact that I am an example to Lorelai and I need to be better for both of us. So instead of shouldas... which dont change anything... I am making goals. I put them on my bathroom mirror with dry erase marker so chris can see them and hold me accountable. Hardest one so far? Cutting "crap", "freaking" and "shoulda" out of my vocabulary.